Two

Yesterday afternoon, my best friend and I were on the phone for a bit. We caught up on some menial work things, not-so-menial life things, and we talked about boys. One of the things that came up during conversation was how 2010 sucked. Well, I'm the one that started because it did. As I said in the previous post, wishing is for regrets, but there was something I arrived to yesterday: 2010 taught me nothing.

Maybe my little cursory glance back to the preceding year is mired in my own bitterness and hate. Who knows? I think anyone who knows me well will say I'm probably wrong. Good thing they're all sleeping. So, in our talking, I was telling Golden how there are two moments that stand out to me from 2010 that make me feel good in their own way.

The first, back in February, when we were in San Diego and he was sleeping and I walked out into an early and sleeping downtown to get coffee and juice for us. I walked out and it felt so great and glorious because I can't really recall: I was alone and there was a bit of chill and no one was about and the sun was out. And I remember very clearly walking toward a main street , making a left, and the glare from the sun coming off a building hitting me especially strong but not hurtful. I was isolated in the city. And for a few moments, before I had to head back to the hotel where he'd be waking, it was the best place I could possibly have been (a while back, I listened to Mogwai's NEW PATHS TO HELICON PT 1 and it reminded me of that).

The second was in March, when Golden was in town and we were off to meet her and Terry so see J-Live in downtown Long Beach. Ricardo and I pulled into the parking lot, I don't remember what we were talking about (probably some bullshit having to do with drinking or girls or both), but we laughed and laughed. And as mean as it sounds, I remember glancing over at a group of girls who were getting out of a car, a few of whom were dressed ridiculously for the type of show we were about to catch, and I made a ridiculous comment about how the whores are out in full force. But Ricardo didn't laugh because he saw that they were girls we knew. Oops.

Golden asked me if even the relationship taught me anything useful and I don't think it did. Neither did constant doctor issues, neither did family troubles, neither did money problems, neither did work issues. I don't recall a single good thing - even learning experience - that I can take away from 2010. At least I had that in 2009.

But this is all coming off rather depressing and emo.

It's not necessarily that 2010 was all bad, even I know this and readily admitted. But as the year comes to a close, I'm left with a feeling of "was that it?" I'm left thinking that there was no forward movement in life. There were not transformations, there was no transgression, no illumination. Maybe I'm to fucking stubborn to see it and recognize it, all of these things, but I'd gamble 2011 that I'm not wrong.

Job

I'm having a little difficulty with myself.

So, in six days I'm going to my first real day of actual work. Landed a new job (finally!) that I want and I think I will be good at and will probably like. All of that went down last week, and earlier this week, while out for lunch with Ricardo, I got the call to confirm it. It was the best single moment of Tuesday, let me tell you.

So, we're driving back to my house, in Ricardo's car. And we're talking a bit and he shakes my hand and I thumb through my phone and he sees me and he kind of laughs and I know why he laughs. and I beat him to the punch and I tell him that, yes, this would be the moment...

...no.

Anyway, so I start my new job in a few days, and as we're talking, I say to Ricardo that for me it's about who you can't wait to tell things to, good and not so good. The first person you can't wait to talk to. He nods in agreement. And we get home.

I'm a cynical person, and I'm obstinate, and I'm a frightened little man.

Present

Down in the dumps, earlier this afternoon, I meet up with Ricardo at the book store. This after a bunch of terrible legal hoopla and my car not starting and personal ambiguity. And, I don't know, my first instinct is not to leave the house. If I could've, then, as I read his text message asking me to meet him, I would've boarded up the house and sectioned off a part of the house that would leave me and my book cloistered for a good long while. Not a good day, you see, in every facet I could think of.

My best friend calls me after her two hour-plus job interview and as we're looking through the graphic novel section (Ricardo got the SCOTT PILGRIM 3-pack) at the book store and my cell phone's maybe about to die but it isn't for the tons of ringing it's making.

Afterward, Ricardo and I exchange a few little bits of life stories and I'm reminded of how very little I know about everyone I know. I mean, what's going on, what's happened, who's doing what now, what's upcoming. I don't really know a lot and, really, it's all due to the way I do things.

I've this weird sense of...I'm not sure, guilt? I feel like I've let everyone down. Everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my best friend, my ex co-workers, my friends. I'm not really too concerned over anything I do when it affects me. But the problem is I don't allow myself any room to breathe and see that none of these people think I've let them down, nor are they asking ME to fix all of it, or even none of it. Some of them have said so to me, and it isn't nearly enough to dissuade me from cowering in a corner in futile attempt in willing everything okay.

Yesterday, my folks are talking about going to Morelia for a few weeks and my niece, of all people, tells me her family's off to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks (her mom's brothers live there), and the first thought to cross my brain isn't at all productive. After talking with Ricardo for a couple hours I'm left thinking, why shouldn't they? All practical questions aside (frankly, I'm concerned where all this money for all of this is coming/going to come from), of course just because things aren't going well for me and mine doesn't mean they (and me) need to let their lives come to a stop. Easy answer. Why can't I do that?

I feel like everyone in my life is depending on me to make everything better. They're not, but it's the only way I can describe how it feels. And if I don't do it, if more time passes and more things continue to pile up (my fucking car didn't start this afternoon!), it's going to be more difficult to fix...life (?).

Ricardo asked me earlier, if I was back in January, around the time I'd said to him I was offered the opportunity to transfer to Santa Barbara, what would I've done then. Then, early January, I was all set, I really was. At the time, I couldn't imagine a single thing to stop me, you know. Hindsight's such trash. But is that what I want to go back to, would that make everything better? The real answer is who the fuck cares.

I found out today one of my friends' grandparents recently passed away. And I was too self-involved in either my own little pettiness or my drama to not even know and be present.