More Of Us

Yesterday, Corey texts me about a boy who got in contact with him after seeing this picture in THE ADVOCATE (Corey's blurb is number seven in the series). This boy recently found out he was HIV positive and when he saw Corey with his doctor, something clicked in him to reach out and say what he needed to say, I suppose. Last night, we're talking about it, and I say to Corey how this kid must feel, you know, seeing someone as healthy-looking as him and reach out because of what is currently going through this kid's mind. Corey says that it's happened to him before, several times. At one point last night, I naturally recall what it was like when I first found out what it was like when I first found out I was HIV positive. Then, about three years ago, I'd known Corey for about a year and only online (we'd started communicating via myspace because I really liked his writing there). Below is the email I sent him then:

From: Javier
Date: Oct 5, 2007 11:46 AM

hi corey...

i find it a little weird i'm writing you this email; we've not met and know of the other online. this is the twenty-first century, i guess.

i know you read some of the things i post on here and you've emailed me about a few as i have about yours, randomly, so i hope this doesn't come off rude or in appropriate but i need some advice, and really, i hope you can offer me some because i'm a little lost.

two weeks ago i went to the doctor about something i thought was serious but turned out not to be. a week ago today, my doctor calls me and tells me my blood tests show i'm hiv positive. went through a lot emotionally and mentally over the last seven days, and my initial visit with my infectious disease doctor this week's calmed me down a lot. but i still find myself constantly thinking about it, driving myself crazy when there is no need. just returned from another blood test, and i'm sitting here, trying to read the paper and i can't.

maybe it's not really advice i want or need. but, i guess, what i really want to ask is how did you get over this initial shock? how do you reconcile the news with your everyday life? my friends are a great and all (and i've yet to talk to my family about this), but lots of times i just feel like i'm bothering them (i don't know if this is the right word) with all of this.

any advice is welcomed. as i mentioned earlier, hope this isn't inappropriate in any way, but i'm kind of feeling a little lost right now. hope you're doing well, writing lots, and enjoying this nice friday. thank you for your time reading this.

j.

Last night, Corey says the kid who reached out to him, I'll call him W. And I'm re-reading these emails from long ago and wondering if right now, somewhere in Oklahoma, there is a kid who's feeling just like I felt in October 2007. Of course there is. After I found out my diagnosis, I began keeping a blog for that here and I began posting pictures on flickr as well.
Also, last night, while about to call Corey on the phone, I got a direct message on twitter that said (sic, to be sure): "so i know this is completley random but I was going thru ur tweets, and pics on flickr and was wondering howd you tell ya mom about ya status". It came from a flickr and twitter and facebook 'friend' who I don't know (I'll call him D). We've exchanged comments on pictures I think, and a couple of tweets, but that's it. So, I answered and got back on the phone with Corey. But later that night, as he answered me back and I got a better idea of why this boy was reaching out to me (a latter direct message says, "...ya pics kinda let me know im not the only 1 in a relationship so its reassuring. yall like a hallmark card"), I began to think more as Corey and I had said earlier of the impetus we get to reach out to strangers in regard to something so life-altering.

Corey and I were talking last night and came up with that in this circumstance all we can do is be ourselves and be honest with these kids, which is what Corey was for me years ago. Corey even went further and said that there really wasn't anything that we could say that was the wrong thing and I agree with him. All things considered, after finding out you're HIV positive, what could another positive person say to you that he shouldn't? And I thought a little more on it when Corey said that me, now being the one someone reached out to, could be seen as becoming part of something bigger. And I think that was the feeling I got after I exchanged messages with D. As we talked, I pointed out to Corey that W and D both had not revealed their statuses to more than a couple of people (parents, and boyfriend & best friend, respectively) and us individually, and this, in turn, made me dig out the email I posted above because, well, the case was the same for me then. I wonder if Corey's was as well.

One of the most striking things that we came up with in conversation last night was how it simply keeps on happening: Corey said how at a recent performance he attended, a performer said in his piece how exes revealing their new-found HIV positive statuses showed him how it felt as if it were still 1983 at the height od the AIDS/HIV epidemic, and Corey and I did not disagree with that sentiment. I made the observation to Corey how I think I'm a bright guy, you know, and pretty decent, but still I got infected. Likewise, I said, Corey did also. A little chuckle between us both, but it's pretty much true: never once in my life did I ever think I'd sit here, typing away about this, but I am because of the choices I made or didn't make along the way. For me, until 2007, having sex was something I did to pass the time while intoxicated or bored. It's never really been the most important thing in my life, but when I was in it, I never considered the risks of unprotected vaginal or anal or even oral sex. I was an adult making dubious choices and when I was thirty, well, I discovered this bug in my blood. And I remember being so shocked then, obviously, but objective hindsight tells me, "Fuck, Javier, what the hell did you think would happen?"

Honestly, I think had anyone I knew at the time said to me to protect myself and avoid multiple sex partners and all that I wouldn't have listened anyway. It's the arrogance of the human being. And, even now, I don't fault anyone for anything because I made the choice to have some man fuck me bareback when I knew all the consequences it entailed. And of course it's a little late for blame-gaming. Curiously, I still believe it's a matter of choice with us adults, who we have sex with and how, and the greater responsibility is for oneself and not count on others to look out for us. So paradoxical, this, since I want folk to be safe, but am not so forceful in that belief.

So: W and D are part of this whole of us HIV positive men of color. I'm not out to castigate and chastise but to listen and hopefully help. Because I remember exactly how each of these two boys are feeling right now. I remember how it felt to hit the send button in that email to a stranger of whom one of the things I knew was his HIV status. Because then, like W and D, all I wanted was someone to listen to me and tell me something. Anything. And like W and D and Corey and I, there will unfortunately always be more and more of us who need US.

Of course, we will always be here.

On!

Yesterday, Corey had his one-man show debut at Highways Performance Space in Santa Monica. He talked about himself and God and Love (I'm not sure if he meant to be heard as capitalized Love but probably), and the interconnectedness of everything, and sex, and sexuality, and even the television show DYNASTY. For those of us who know him, aside from the obvious affection, I think it was a bit more of insight into the man than I think we might have known. I know it was for me. And at the same time, personally, I find the way he thinks and feels and believes about the world a little fascinating, so seeing it performed in such a lyrical way and with such humor, and in such an occasionally brutal way, it has a bit more resonance. There was a part in his script where he went through a list of five (six?) men who've shown him different types of love and/or how to love, and I wasn't sure how it might play out, and he pulled it off (which, I think could be an entire show in itself with some development)! I'm very glad I was there to see it, all of it, from beginning to end.

For as long as I've known him personally, Corey's always talked about having his performance stand on its own without being integrated into anyone else's work, or as a part of a whole. And this was a great way for him to do this with, really, minimal risk. It was such an unreal trip for me, the entire process, along with a bit of artistic, if not professional jealousy.

A few weeks ago, while I lay on his bed, Corey ran through a few of his lines for me a couple of times. The first as rote memorization, and the second with such emotion and passion and flair, I was definitely interested to see the remaining of his script performed. I was very impressed then, and also yesterday when I saw the whole thing materialize. It's one of the things I've always been curious about Corey, seeing him do his thing, what he loves and is passionate about. And from the initial invitation he received to perform his work to the very last applause yesterday at the theater, it was all such a wonderful experience for me as a tourist in the indie theater community. It really is remarkable to see how creative folk work, you know. It's that idea of seeing how Corey went from idea to show, and that was very impressive for me to witness.

Not until his friend Kacy said so afterward did I think a post-show discussion would've been rather interesting, but I may be biased.

Aside from the practical aspects of the work, what did I see and hear and feel? I saw lots of courage and sadness and happiness. I felt a little uncomfortable and teary and joyful. It's very rare that anyone I know who's creative in any capacity affect me in various ways with their work, and even at the very beginning, when Corey was first talking to me about it and I wasn't sure how it would work, but Corey managed it. I'd like to think that I'm pretty objective. I also have said to him I don't think I'm the audience for his work (he's said otherwise). But it's the special skill of a performance to penetrate even those of us who're mostly rebar and stone. The deeper spiritual themes in his piece notwithstanding, I'm very happy to see all of this happen to Corey because he made it happen. At no point did he ever stop to think he wouldn't do it, or wasn't capable of doing it. Even at his hardest point, I don't think that ever crossed his mind. And that is one of the most astonishing things about Corey that I've seen so far.

Slanted & Enchanted

A lot of people have said to me over the years that things in life happen for a reason. Things must happen in a certain patterned way for life to revolve as it should. Most of these people are probably rather insane. I know of two who aren't, and the reason why I think they aren't insane is because there is an odd type of logic as we talk about certain things. One of them is my best friend and we had a long telephone conversation today. The other is my boyfriend, Corey.

Recently, I told Corey how everything I was reading or watching contained the name Didi. Watched Don Roos's excellent first film THE OPPOSITE OF SEX and in it Didi is the central terrible harridan of a lead character portrayed by Christina Ricci. As I was reading Don DeLillo's COSMOPOLIS, Erick Parker's art dealer lover is named Didi: an older woman who makes time for her young lover because he is more fascinating to her than attractive. Then, Corey lent me his copy of DRAWING BLOOD by Poppy Z Brite wherein Trevor Black's younger brother's nickname is Didi, but he dies at the beginning of the story so there isn't very much there about him anyway. In brief conversation over this with Corey, as he does when I talk to him about lots of things, he pointed out the very different outlets by very different creators about very different things all seemed to have found their way into my current state and obviously something clicked in me. I said, as I often do, it's just coincidence. Corey said to me that's several very specific coincidences. He may've laughed at that point.

Didi is Cynthia's nickname. Cynthia is a girl I think I know.

Late last winter, I realized that the girl from fall 2006 wasn't even around anymore. In various capacities. I'd lost the closest friend I'd made since moving back to California. Previously, of course as I found out, she stayed away from me for the very retarded reason that her boyfriend was feeling a bit insecure with me in the picture. And last winter, as she started seeing someone else, it got to be a very familiar scene. I'm leaving out the few tough talks she had with me and I with her about our rather strange dynamic. Keep in mind also that I'm leaving out a nearly ten year age difference. I've written before that it simply feels as if I was wrong in choosing this person as my friend. In a very unfair and selfish and irrational way, had I known what would happen, I wouldn't have pursued anything beyond a working relationship with her. So strange that folk that you're not romantically or familially (sic) linked to can hurt you.

Not everything has been bad. In fact, we've had lots of terribly great times. Great talks. Experiences. And even when I've been at my worst, I've managed to get a smile from her and vice versa. Ah, but we that could make things different, would be even?

So, all of these signs as Corey might say, right? I've not spoken to her in months. Over the last year, since a last trip out to Las Vegas, I've maybe seen her five different times? We live fifteen minutes apart. She goes to school five minutes away. It makes me wonder if she, like me, thinks that I'm not a very good friend. I wonder whether or not she thinks I'm not worth the effort as a person. Perhaps she's too much involved with whoever her current boyfriend is to not include me. Here I am going on and on, sort of putting the onus of our fractured relationship on her shoulders, I'm forgetting to burden my share of it. I do that. I wouldn't mind hearing it. But I won't.

In a similar way to how Corey and I were talking about her then, I had a brief conversation about her with Golden the other day. Maturity and age and friendship were themes, and in the middle of it I remembered something Corey said to me a few months back about when folk get married, each individual's friends fall into the background or disappear. I wonder whether it's that, you know, if it's what Corey said in a way. Do some people function this way? I know I do not and will not.

As recently as this week, Corey's had a conversation with an old friend with whom he had a really strong friendship which ended, not unsurprisingly, over a "misunderstanding." As he and I were texting about that late last night, it brought back to the forefront what I'd written weeks ago about my own old friend. Still, didn't finish those thoughts. But here I am writing all this histrionic melodramatic drivel instead, aren't I? This is why: Corey's having a one-man show in about a week and he sent out a Facebook even invite over it and I forwarded it to the people who I know who live in southern California, Cynthia being one of those on that very short list. This afternoon, Corey says she'd accepted the invite to go to his show. They've never met, and she and I have not had a friendly conversation in quite some time. Corey said to me it could be a sign that she wants to reconnect. Golden intimated the same thing. And as before I am skeptical.

But that's all I get.

Anyway, this rant is over. Or is it an observation?

Round Two

Yesterday I went for my second doctor's appointment for 2010. Honestly, it seems as if it was only a few weeks ago, not months, that I was there, imagining how far away July was. It was February then.

So, I talk to my doctor about the loss of my job, and the aches in my knees. He talks to me about a couple of things that I wasn't so much expecting...well, one I knew. I gained a substantial amount of weight since last I saw him. That's a given. Something that I see while trying to run, and daily in the mirror. The other thing isn't so easy to tell because I feel perfectly okay. My doctor says my cholesterol's climbed somewhat, not alarmingly, but enough that he suggests eating better. And he says my liver seems to be working a little more than normal. He says it could be my body's way of fighting the weight gain, and it's affecting the my liver. He asks me whether or not I've been taking pain medication regularly and he asks me whether or not I've been drinking regularly, even if not to excess. Everything answered, he says it's nothing to really be concerned with, but he'd still rather see what's going on with my liver so he says he'll schedule a liver sonogram just to see what's going on.

Of course, the way my brain works - and, honestly, the way it seems to go with doctors and me - I'm already waiting to hear about some liver damage. Perhaps something a bit more substantial? And even though I am not prone to weird delusions or hypochondria, I've this feeling that, well, something else is going to come up, whether serious or not. My joke and my older brother's is that, what if all those years of heavy boozing are now showing themselves, now that I'm sick and gained weight and have severely cut in my physical activities. It's a joke, did I say?

It wouldn't be surprising if it was *something*. I really hope there isn't anything further to be made of this that can't be resolved by better diet and more exercise. Nevermind physically, but the way things this second quarter of 2010 have been, I don't think I could take more emotionally.

* * *

Finished watching Spike Lee's 25th HOUR just now. Perfect film based off a perfect novel. Perfectly cast and acted, the script is particularly brilliant (David Benioff wrote both, the source novel and screenplay), and the direction and cinematography are also perfect. The thing I like the least about it is Terence Blanchard's score, not that it is bad, but perhaps a bit too melodramatic for the movie. Anyway, perfect...

What Is...?

...hot?

...inunderstandable?

...important?

Run

I don't want to come off as one of those assholes who find some strange sense of worth in saying out into the world that I never ask for anything (which I don't) so I won't. I'm a different sort of asshole. But in a strange, if not unexpected, turn of events, it's becoming increasingly difficult to put on that I'm fine and everything will be okay attitude when I wake up in the morning. Look, I think I'm a pretty realistic person, I really think I am, and perhaps that's where my naivetee comes from, my lack of maturity, my weirdly romantic notions about the world and life and people (which now sounds oxymoronic), so, realistically, I'm wondering how much longer this will all keep up.

Over the last three weeks, I've built up from walking to jogging 1-2 miles near daily (six days straight, on and off the others) because I've this need for something that is mine, you know. And counting on anything or anyone for it seems awfully difficult. My inbox and voicemail stay empty day in and day out and that gets to be really difficult to deal with given my family's and my situations. That's a huge piece I'm missing, really, daily work. The drudgery most working class folk complain about daily, I miss it. I accomplish things daily at work, frustrating as that may be. So, I run instead. If I could run for ten hours daily five days a week, really. But, please, that doesn't pay the bills.

When I talk to Corey, when I talk to my family, when I talk to my best friend, what can I say, this is a big part of it for me. Perhaps as Corey's intimated in the past, I am one of those people who define themselves by their work. It's become my life and without it, without that sort of structure and discipline, nearly everything else in me stops working properly. You see, it's happen a few times before. Details notwithstanding, I've been here before.

This is all the practical stuff. What's not necessarily the most important in life. But it makes life happen. Let's be real.

So fine, I just lay in bed trying to sleep, worrying about all this fucking bullshit, trying to ignore the slight pain in my knee, and I can't, and I fire up this computer, do some online looking and fill out more and more forms and at the end of each, after hitting the submit button, I think, foolishly, maybe futilely, this one will be it.

Anyway, a little venting and a little me cowering in some corner time is allowed I think. I'm all for a good attitude and all but I'm not made of stone. But while all of this happens, good and bad, I'm going for a quick run.

Good morning.

"I struggled to love and provide. How many of you know the true and bitter force of that simple word provide?"
- Don DeLillo, COSMOPOLIS

Hurt Yourself.

A couple months ago I wrote about my then-recent experiences at a couple restaurants. Corey's been having a go at some UPS customer service issues as recent as yesterday, but the issue is months old (I never buy anything online: I like going to stores and I have zero concern over shipping/delivery issues). And we're talking about customer service yet again and when it is absolutely abhorrent and when customers are plainly wrong.

As it happens, it seems this keeps popping up everywhere I read. A rant over at the New York times is the type of rant I like, from another customer no less, instead of employees of the place in question. Which Caitlin Kelly (who I normally don't read at TRUE/SLANT but saw the headline) then decided to comment on, and in her post's comments as well are examples of what can be argued to be self-righteous retail/customer service folk who're simply bitching about doing their job. The there's over at THE CONSUMERIST this little gem of stupidity by all parties, and the comments again reveal a few interesting tidbits (for me, how many folk seemed to think demanding something for free is ridiculous). Lastly, through FARK, I found this one, which, really, is my favorite, even with the ambiguous details.

I remember the worst of my experiences from years ago, when I worked at Target in Culver City: closing shift and another manager and I were closing --Lesley was his name -- and a customer was pitching a fit over not being able to return a bunch of unopened movies. At the time the policy was no electronics and movies and video games are returnable/exchangeable without receipt which he didn't have. Of course, I come over and reiterate that I won't return them and this man gets so irate he begins yelling he doesn't want them and they're new and why can't I take them back or exchange them. He says it's not about the money, that he has money, and he takes out an impressive wad of cash and begins to tear apart a little kiosk we used to have at the returns area. Lesley comes over after being called by one of the girls there (I wonder how scared they were? I wasn't at all calm myself). The man calls me racist because he's black and I just don't want to do it. Lesley, who's black, re-states our position. The guy knocks over the kiosk and yells that he's going to fuck us up as soon as we close, grabs his stuff and leaves. Eh.

So who is right? At what point is one's actions unreasonable? Were we wrong? Was he? What is it?

It's easy for me to bitch about customers left and right, and about folk who've served me poorly, and folk who're indifferent to their jobs and by extension, me as the customer. I think we've all had both good and bad experiences and the ones that're bad stick, that's customer service 101.

Of course, I think I'm right in my story. But then, I usually think I'm right.

One of the curious bits I find is what makes folk who're working so useless sometimes it's nearly painful. If I can, I avoid asking anyone anywhere anything unless I'm 100% stumped because I know what it's like being some kid with no training and passion for it. I usually don't go anywhere except restaurants for good service. I mean, let's keep some perspective. And usually, when I've had to deal with people in customer service, it's been positive except in restaurants. Why is there that difference for me? When I worked at Starbucks, that's when I got the worst customers, wanting stuff for free because they didn't like it, because they ordered wrong, because they wanted to return prepared food. And I don't think they were bad customers because they wanted to return anything but because it felt as if they were owed something because of a mistake they made.

I remember getting a call from my district manager at Michaels because customers were 'overcharged' and my boss wanted me to fix it (which is of course lingo for he didn't want more calls), and I did when the customers came in because I was told to. However, when left up to me, I had it on good authority, and the state department of weights and measures's authority, that I was doing my job when everything came up the right price. But that's not the point, one-upping each other, who's right when the customer is wrong? And then, what's a valid complaint? Customers should not hear curse words ever. Neither should employees. So who's right?

As a customer, I hate it when folk ahead of me in line are terrible to the cashier for two reasons, I'm being inconvenienced and their abusiveness. As an employee, I hate co-workers who simply hate their job and do it half-assed. I've told customers to leave my store or I'll call the police and escort them out, and I've fired employees for being useless to customers and me.

My biggest gripe about all this is pretty much shown in every article I've linked here: customer entitlement. Entitlement to goods or services or abuse. What is wrong with us that we feel some odd sense that we come first even when we're wrong? Where the reason and the common sense and plain courtesy anymore?

Of course, I'm going to end with the idea that expecting my waiter to come and offer me more coffee more than twice isn't unreasonable. It's his fucking job.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

It's been nearly ten years since the last proper Godspeed You! Black Emperor record (the verily beautiful YANQUI U.X.O.), and two years back, seemingly, there'd be no more. Really, a terrible situation if you're a music fan the way I am (I'm more of a nerd I guess). Tonight, while unable to sleep yet again, this.

Listen: EAST HASTINGS, ROCKETS FALL ON ROCKET FALLS.

Now: who's taking me when they return to the USA?

Number Five With A Bullet

After erroneously asking someone who their favorite movie director is, and getting in return the, "So, like, what's my favorite movie?" answer, and exchanging a couple of tweets with Corey about it, it made me think of those lists I have, that I believe(d) we all have.

TOP FIVE FILM DIRECTORS

• Christopher Nolan (MEMENTO, INSOMNIA, BATMAN BEGINS, THE PRESTIGE, THE DARK KNIGHT)
• Darren Aronofsky (PI, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, THE FOUNTAIN, THE WRESTLER)
• Michel Gondry (HUMAN NATURE, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, BE KIND REWIND)
• David Fincher (FIGHT CLUB, ALIEN 3, SE7EN, PANIC ROOM, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, ZODIAC (the latter is far better than I think he's given credit for))
• Alfonso Cuaron (GREAT EXPECTATIONS, Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN, CHILDREN OF MEN, HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN)

TOP FIVE MOVIES

• Fight Club
• American Psycho
• High Fidelity
• Requiem For A Dream
• Star Wars (1977-1983)

TOP FIVE RECORDS

• Nine Inch Nails, THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
• Tori Amos, BOYS FOR PELE
• Joy Division, HEART AND SOUL (boxed set)
• Godspeed You! Black Emperor, f#a#[infinity]
• Atmosphere, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUN WE'RE HAVING

TOP FIVE BANDS/MUSICIANS

• Joy Division
• Nine Inch Nails
• Atmosphere
• Deftones
• Godspeed You! Black Emperor

TOP FIVE SONGS (click here to listen)

• Joy Division, DIGITAL (curious it was their and Factory Records's first release)
• Nine Inch Nails, GAVE UP (from the BROKEN EP)
• Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, (I'LL LOVE YOU) UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD (from the soundtrack to Wim Wenders's film UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD)
• Kurtis Blow, THE BREAKS
• DJ SHadow, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN

TOP FIVE WRITERS

• Chuck Palahniuk
• Douglas Coupland
• Bret Easton Ellis
• Grant Morrison
• Warren Ellis

TOP FIVE BOOKS

• Chuck Palahniuk, FIGHT CLUB
• Douglas Coupland, MS. WYOMING
• Bret Easton Ellis, AMERICAN PSYCHO
• Nick Hornby, HIGH FIDELITY
• Alex Garland, THE BEACH

TOP FIVE COMICS

• Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons, WATCHMEN
• Grant Morrison & Chris Weston, THE FILTH
• Warren Ellis & D'Israeli, LAZARUS CHURCHYARD
• Warren Ellis & Darrick Robertson, TRANSMETROPOLITAN
• Neil Gaiman et al., THE SANDMAN

Present

Down in the dumps, earlier this afternoon, I meet up with Ricardo at the book store. This after a bunch of terrible legal hoopla and my car not starting and personal ambiguity. And, I don't know, my first instinct is not to leave the house. If I could've, then, as I read his text message asking me to meet him, I would've boarded up the house and sectioned off a part of the house that would leave me and my book cloistered for a good long while. Not a good day, you see, in every facet I could think of.

My best friend calls me after her two hour-plus job interview and as we're looking through the graphic novel section (Ricardo got the SCOTT PILGRIM 3-pack) at the book store and my cell phone's maybe about to die but it isn't for the tons of ringing it's making.

Afterward, Ricardo and I exchange a few little bits of life stories and I'm reminded of how very little I know about everyone I know. I mean, what's going on, what's happened, who's doing what now, what's upcoming. I don't really know a lot and, really, it's all due to the way I do things.

I've this weird sense of...I'm not sure, guilt? I feel like I've let everyone down. Everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my best friend, my ex co-workers, my friends. I'm not really too concerned over anything I do when it affects me. But the problem is I don't allow myself any room to breathe and see that none of these people think I've let them down, nor are they asking ME to fix all of it, or even none of it. Some of them have said so to me, and it isn't nearly enough to dissuade me from cowering in a corner in futile attempt in willing everything okay.

Yesterday, my folks are talking about going to Morelia for a few weeks and my niece, of all people, tells me her family's off to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks (her mom's brothers live there), and the first thought to cross my brain isn't at all productive. After talking with Ricardo for a couple hours I'm left thinking, why shouldn't they? All practical questions aside (frankly, I'm concerned where all this money for all of this is coming/going to come from), of course just because things aren't going well for me and mine doesn't mean they (and me) need to let their lives come to a stop. Easy answer. Why can't I do that?

I feel like everyone in my life is depending on me to make everything better. They're not, but it's the only way I can describe how it feels. And if I don't do it, if more time passes and more things continue to pile up (my fucking car didn't start this afternoon!), it's going to be more difficult to fix...life (?).

Ricardo asked me earlier, if I was back in January, around the time I'd said to him I was offered the opportunity to transfer to Santa Barbara, what would I've done then. Then, early January, I was all set, I really was. At the time, I couldn't imagine a single thing to stop me, you know. Hindsight's such trash. But is that what I want to go back to, would that make everything better? The real answer is who the fuck cares.

I found out today one of my friends' grandparents recently passed away. And I was too self-involved in either my own little pettiness or my drama to not even know and be present.