Present

Down in the dumps, earlier this afternoon, I meet up with Ricardo at the book store. This after a bunch of terrible legal hoopla and my car not starting and personal ambiguity. And, I don't know, my first instinct is not to leave the house. If I could've, then, as I read his text message asking me to meet him, I would've boarded up the house and sectioned off a part of the house that would leave me and my book cloistered for a good long while. Not a good day, you see, in every facet I could think of.

My best friend calls me after her two hour-plus job interview and as we're looking through the graphic novel section (Ricardo got the SCOTT PILGRIM 3-pack) at the book store and my cell phone's maybe about to die but it isn't for the tons of ringing it's making.

Afterward, Ricardo and I exchange a few little bits of life stories and I'm reminded of how very little I know about everyone I know. I mean, what's going on, what's happened, who's doing what now, what's upcoming. I don't really know a lot and, really, it's all due to the way I do things.

I've this weird sense of...I'm not sure, guilt? I feel like I've let everyone down. Everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my best friend, my ex co-workers, my friends. I'm not really too concerned over anything I do when it affects me. But the problem is I don't allow myself any room to breathe and see that none of these people think I've let them down, nor are they asking ME to fix all of it, or even none of it. Some of them have said so to me, and it isn't nearly enough to dissuade me from cowering in a corner in futile attempt in willing everything okay.

Yesterday, my folks are talking about going to Morelia for a few weeks and my niece, of all people, tells me her family's off to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks (her mom's brothers live there), and the first thought to cross my brain isn't at all productive. After talking with Ricardo for a couple hours I'm left thinking, why shouldn't they? All practical questions aside (frankly, I'm concerned where all this money for all of this is coming/going to come from), of course just because things aren't going well for me and mine doesn't mean they (and me) need to let their lives come to a stop. Easy answer. Why can't I do that?

I feel like everyone in my life is depending on me to make everything better. They're not, but it's the only way I can describe how it feels. And if I don't do it, if more time passes and more things continue to pile up (my fucking car didn't start this afternoon!), it's going to be more difficult to fix...life (?).

Ricardo asked me earlier, if I was back in January, around the time I'd said to him I was offered the opportunity to transfer to Santa Barbara, what would I've done then. Then, early January, I was all set, I really was. At the time, I couldn't imagine a single thing to stop me, you know. Hindsight's such trash. But is that what I want to go back to, would that make everything better? The real answer is who the fuck cares.

I found out today one of my friends' grandparents recently passed away. And I was too self-involved in either my own little pettiness or my drama to not even know and be present.