I don't want to come off as one of those assholes who find some strange sense of worth in saying out into the world that I never ask for anything (which I don't) so I won't. I'm a different sort of asshole. But in a strange, if not unexpected, turn of events, it's becoming increasingly difficult to put on that I'm fine and everything will be okay attitude when I wake up in the morning. Look, I think I'm a pretty realistic person, I really think I am, and perhaps that's where my naivetee comes from, my lack of maturity, my weirdly romantic notions about the world and life and people (which now sounds oxymoronic), so, realistically, I'm wondering how much longer this will all keep up.
Over the last three weeks, I've built up from walking to jogging 1-2 miles near daily (six days straight, on and off the others) because I've this need for something that is mine, you know. And counting on anything or anyone for it seems awfully difficult. My inbox and voicemail stay empty day in and day out and that gets to be really difficult to deal with given my family's and my situations. That's a huge piece I'm missing, really, daily work. The drudgery most working class folk complain about daily, I miss it. I accomplish things daily at work, frustrating as that may be. So, I run instead. If I could run for ten hours daily five days a week, really. But, please, that doesn't pay the bills.
When I talk to Corey, when I talk to my family, when I talk to my best friend, what can I say, this is a big part of it for me. Perhaps as Corey's intimated in the past, I am one of those people who define themselves by their work. It's become my life and without it, without that sort of structure and discipline, nearly everything else in me stops working properly. You see, it's happen a few times before. Details notwithstanding, I've been here before.
This is all the practical stuff. What's not necessarily the most important in life. But it makes life happen. Let's be real.
So fine, I just lay in bed trying to sleep, worrying about all this fucking bullshit, trying to ignore the slight pain in my knee, and I can't, and I fire up this computer, do some online looking and fill out more and more forms and at the end of each, after hitting the submit button, I think, foolishly, maybe futilely, this one will be it.
Anyway, a little venting and a little me cowering in some corner time is allowed I think. I'm all for a good attitude and all but I'm not made of stone. But while all of this happens, good and bad, I'm going for a quick run.
Good morning.
"I struggled to love and provide. How many of you know the true and bitter force of that simple word provide?"
- Don DeLillo, COSMOPOLIS
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Hurt Yourself.
A couple months ago I wrote about my then-recent experiences at a couple restaurants. Corey's been having a go at some UPS customer service issues as recent as yesterday, but the issue is months old (I never buy anything online: I like going to stores and I have zero concern over shipping/delivery issues). And we're talking about customer service yet again and when it is absolutely abhorrent and when customers are plainly wrong.
As it happens, it seems this keeps popping up everywhere I read. A rant over at the New York times is the type of rant I like, from another customer no less, instead of employees of the place in question. Which Caitlin Kelly (who I normally don't read at TRUE/SLANT but saw the headline) then decided to comment on, and in her post's comments as well are examples of what can be argued to be self-righteous retail/customer service folk who're simply bitching about doing their job. The there's over at THE CONSUMERIST this little gem of stupidity by all parties, and the comments again reveal a few interesting tidbits (for me, how many folk seemed to think demanding something for free is ridiculous). Lastly, through FARK, I found this one, which, really, is my favorite, even with the ambiguous details.
I remember the worst of my experiences from years ago, when I worked at Target in Culver City: closing shift and another manager and I were closing --Lesley was his name -- and a customer was pitching a fit over not being able to return a bunch of unopened movies. At the time the policy was no electronics and movies and video games are returnable/exchangeable without receipt which he didn't have. Of course, I come over and reiterate that I won't return them and this man gets so irate he begins yelling he doesn't want them and they're new and why can't I take them back or exchange them. He says it's not about the money, that he has money, and he takes out an impressive wad of cash and begins to tear apart a little kiosk we used to have at the returns area. Lesley comes over after being called by one of the girls there (I wonder how scared they were? I wasn't at all calm myself). The man calls me racist because he's black and I just don't want to do it. Lesley, who's black, re-states our position. The guy knocks over the kiosk and yells that he's going to fuck us up as soon as we close, grabs his stuff and leaves. Eh.
So who is right? At what point is one's actions unreasonable? Were we wrong? Was he? What is it?
It's easy for me to bitch about customers left and right, and about folk who've served me poorly, and folk who're indifferent to their jobs and by extension, me as the customer. I think we've all had both good and bad experiences and the ones that're bad stick, that's customer service 101.
Of course, I think I'm right in my story. But then, I usually think I'm right.
One of the curious bits I find is what makes folk who're working so useless sometimes it's nearly painful. If I can, I avoid asking anyone anywhere anything unless I'm 100% stumped because I know what it's like being some kid with no training and passion for it. I usually don't go anywhere except restaurants for good service. I mean, let's keep some perspective. And usually, when I've had to deal with people in customer service, it's been positive except in restaurants. Why is there that difference for me? When I worked at Starbucks, that's when I got the worst customers, wanting stuff for free because they didn't like it, because they ordered wrong, because they wanted to return prepared food. And I don't think they were bad customers because they wanted to return anything but because it felt as if they were owed something because of a mistake they made.
I remember getting a call from my district manager at Michaels because customers were 'overcharged' and my boss wanted me to fix it (which is of course lingo for he didn't want more calls), and I did when the customers came in because I was told to. However, when left up to me, I had it on good authority, and the state department of weights and measures's authority, that I was doing my job when everything came up the right price. But that's not the point, one-upping each other, who's right when the customer is wrong? And then, what's a valid complaint? Customers should not hear curse words ever. Neither should employees. So who's right?
As a customer, I hate it when folk ahead of me in line are terrible to the cashier for two reasons, I'm being inconvenienced and their abusiveness. As an employee, I hate co-workers who simply hate their job and do it half-assed. I've told customers to leave my store or I'll call the police and escort them out, and I've fired employees for being useless to customers and me.
My biggest gripe about all this is pretty much shown in every article I've linked here: customer entitlement. Entitlement to goods or services or abuse. What is wrong with us that we feel some odd sense that we come first even when we're wrong? Where the reason and the common sense and plain courtesy anymore?
Of course, I'm going to end with the idea that expecting my waiter to come and offer me more coffee more than twice isn't unreasonable. It's his fucking job.
As it happens, it seems this keeps popping up everywhere I read. A rant over at the New York times is the type of rant I like, from another customer no less, instead of employees of the place in question. Which Caitlin Kelly (who I normally don't read at TRUE/SLANT but saw the headline) then decided to comment on, and in her post's comments as well are examples of what can be argued to be self-righteous retail/customer service folk who're simply bitching about doing their job. The there's over at THE CONSUMERIST this little gem of stupidity by all parties, and the comments again reveal a few interesting tidbits (for me, how many folk seemed to think demanding something for free is ridiculous). Lastly, through FARK, I found this one, which, really, is my favorite, even with the ambiguous details.
I remember the worst of my experiences from years ago, when I worked at Target in Culver City: closing shift and another manager and I were closing --Lesley was his name -- and a customer was pitching a fit over not being able to return a bunch of unopened movies. At the time the policy was no electronics and movies and video games are returnable/exchangeable without receipt which he didn't have. Of course, I come over and reiterate that I won't return them and this man gets so irate he begins yelling he doesn't want them and they're new and why can't I take them back or exchange them. He says it's not about the money, that he has money, and he takes out an impressive wad of cash and begins to tear apart a little kiosk we used to have at the returns area. Lesley comes over after being called by one of the girls there (I wonder how scared they were? I wasn't at all calm myself). The man calls me racist because he's black and I just don't want to do it. Lesley, who's black, re-states our position. The guy knocks over the kiosk and yells that he's going to fuck us up as soon as we close, grabs his stuff and leaves. Eh.
So who is right? At what point is one's actions unreasonable? Were we wrong? Was he? What is it?
It's easy for me to bitch about customers left and right, and about folk who've served me poorly, and folk who're indifferent to their jobs and by extension, me as the customer. I think we've all had both good and bad experiences and the ones that're bad stick, that's customer service 101.
Of course, I think I'm right in my story. But then, I usually think I'm right.
One of the curious bits I find is what makes folk who're working so useless sometimes it's nearly painful. If I can, I avoid asking anyone anywhere anything unless I'm 100% stumped because I know what it's like being some kid with no training and passion for it. I usually don't go anywhere except restaurants for good service. I mean, let's keep some perspective. And usually, when I've had to deal with people in customer service, it's been positive except in restaurants. Why is there that difference for me? When I worked at Starbucks, that's when I got the worst customers, wanting stuff for free because they didn't like it, because they ordered wrong, because they wanted to return prepared food. And I don't think they were bad customers because they wanted to return anything but because it felt as if they were owed something because of a mistake they made.
I remember getting a call from my district manager at Michaels because customers were 'overcharged' and my boss wanted me to fix it (which is of course lingo for he didn't want more calls), and I did when the customers came in because I was told to. However, when left up to me, I had it on good authority, and the state department of weights and measures's authority, that I was doing my job when everything came up the right price. But that's not the point, one-upping each other, who's right when the customer is wrong? And then, what's a valid complaint? Customers should not hear curse words ever. Neither should employees. So who's right?
As a customer, I hate it when folk ahead of me in line are terrible to the cashier for two reasons, I'm being inconvenienced and their abusiveness. As an employee, I hate co-workers who simply hate their job and do it half-assed. I've told customers to leave my store or I'll call the police and escort them out, and I've fired employees for being useless to customers and me.
My biggest gripe about all this is pretty much shown in every article I've linked here: customer entitlement. Entitlement to goods or services or abuse. What is wrong with us that we feel some odd sense that we come first even when we're wrong? Where the reason and the common sense and plain courtesy anymore?
Of course, I'm going to end with the idea that expecting my waiter to come and offer me more coffee more than twice isn't unreasonable. It's his fucking job.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
It's been nearly ten years since the last proper Godspeed You! Black Emperor record (the verily beautiful YANQUI U.X.O.), and two years back, seemingly, there'd be no more. Really, a terrible situation if you're a music fan the way I am (I'm more of a nerd I guess). Tonight, while unable to sleep yet again, this.
Listen: EAST HASTINGS, ROCKETS FALL ON ROCKET FALLS.
Now: who's taking me when they return to the USA?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Number Five With A Bullet
After erroneously asking someone who their favorite movie director is, and getting in return the, "So, like, what's my favorite movie?" answer, and exchanging a couple of tweets with Corey about it, it made me think of those lists I have, that I believe(d) we all have.
TOP FIVE FILM DIRECTORS
TOP FIVE MOVIES
TOP FIVE RECORDS
TOP FIVE BANDS/MUSICIANS
TOP FIVE SONGS (click here to listen)
TOP FIVE WRITERS
TOP FIVE BOOKS
TOP FIVE COMICS
TOP FIVE FILM DIRECTORS
- Christopher Nolan (MEMENTO, INSOMNIA, BATMAN BEGINS, THE PRESTIGE, THE DARK KNIGHT)
- Darren Aronofsky (PI, REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, THE FOUNTAIN, THE WRESTLER)
- Michel Gondry (HUMAN NATURE, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP, ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND, BE KIND REWIND)
- David Fincher (FIGHT CLUB, ALIEN 3, SE7EN, PANIC ROOM, THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON, ZODIAC (the latter is far better than I think he's given credit for))
- Alfonso Cuaron (GREAT EXPECTATIONS, Y TU MAMA TAMBIEN, CHILDREN OF MEN, HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN)
TOP FIVE MOVIES
- Fight Club
- American Psycho
- High Fidelity
- Requiem For A Dream
- Star Wars (1977-1983)
TOP FIVE RECORDS
- Nine Inch Nails, THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL
- Tori Amos, BOYS FOR PELE
- Joy Division, HEART AND SOUL (boxed set)
- Godspeed You! Black Emperor, f#a#[infinity]
- Atmosphere, YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUN WE'RE HAVING
TOP FIVE BANDS/MUSICIANS
- Joy Division
- Nine Inch Nails
- Atmosphere
- Deftones
- Godspeed You! Black Emperor
TOP FIVE SONGS (click here to listen)
- Joy Division, DIGITAL (curious it was their and Factory Records's first release)
- Nine Inch Nails, GAVE UP (from the BROKEN EP)
- Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds, (I'LL LOVE YOU) UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD (from the soundtrack to Wim Wenders's film UNTIL THE END OF THE WORLD)
- Kurtis Blow, THE BREAKS
- DJ SHadow, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN
TOP FIVE WRITERS
- Chuck Palahniuk
- Douglas Coupland
- Bret Easton Ellis
- Grant Morrison
- Warren Ellis
TOP FIVE BOOKS
- Chuck Palahniuk, FIGHT CLUB
- Douglas Coupland, MS. WYOMING
- Bret Easton Ellis, AMERICAN PSYCHO
- Nick Hornby, HIGH FIDELITY
- Alex Garland, THE BEACH
TOP FIVE COMICS
- Alan Moore & Dave Gibbons, WATCHMEN
- Grant Morrison & Chris Weston, THE FILTH
- Warren Ellis & D'Israeli, LAZARUS CHURCHYARD
- Warren Ellis & Darrick Robertson, TRANSMETROPOLITAN
- Neil Gaiman et al., THE SANDMAN
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Present
Down in the dumps, earlier this afternoon, I meet up with Ricardo at the book store. This after a bunch of terrible legal hoopla and my car not starting and personal ambiguity. And, I don't know, my first instinct is not to leave the house. If I could've, then, as I read his text message asking me to meet him, I would've boarded up the house and sectioned off a part of the house that would leave me and my book cloistered for a good long while. Not a good day, you see, in every facet I could think of.
My best friend calls me after her two hour-plus job interview and as we're looking through the graphic novel section (Ricardo got the SCOTT PILGRIM 3-pack) at the book store and my cell phone's maybe about to die but it isn't for the tons of ringing it's making.
Afterward, Ricardo and I exchange a few little bits of life stories and I'm reminded of how very little I know about everyone I know. I mean, what's going on, what's happened, who's doing what now, what's upcoming. I don't really know a lot and, really, it's all due to the way I do things.
I've this weird sense of...I'm not sure, guilt? I feel like I've let everyone down. Everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my best friend, my ex co-workers, my friends. I'm not really too concerned over anything I do when it affects me. But the problem is I don't allow myself any room to breathe and see that none of these people think I've let them down, nor are they asking ME to fix all of it, or even none of it. Some of them have said so to me, and it isn't nearly enough to dissuade me from cowering in a corner in futile attempt in willing everything okay.
Yesterday, my folks are talking about going to Morelia for a few weeks and my niece, of all people, tells me her family's off to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks (her mom's brothers live there), and the first thought to cross my brain isn't at all productive. After talking with Ricardo for a couple hours I'm left thinking, why shouldn't they? All practical questions aside (frankly, I'm concerned where all this money for all of this is coming/going to come from), of course just because things aren't going well for me and mine doesn't mean they (and me) need to let their lives come to a stop. Easy answer. Why can't I do that?
I feel like everyone in my life is depending on me to make everything better. They're not, but it's the only way I can describe how it feels. And if I don't do it, if more time passes and more things continue to pile up (my fucking car didn't start this afternoon!), it's going to be more difficult to fix...life (?).
Ricardo asked me earlier, if I was back in January, around the time I'd said to him I was offered the opportunity to transfer to Santa Barbara, what would I've done then. Then, early January, I was all set, I really was. At the time, I couldn't imagine a single thing to stop me, you know. Hindsight's such trash. But is that what I want to go back to, would that make everything better? The real answer is who the fuck cares.
I found out today one of my friends' grandparents recently passed away. And I was too self-involved in either my own little pettiness or my drama to not even know and be present.
My best friend calls me after her two hour-plus job interview and as we're looking through the graphic novel section (Ricardo got the SCOTT PILGRIM 3-pack) at the book store and my cell phone's maybe about to die but it isn't for the tons of ringing it's making.
Afterward, Ricardo and I exchange a few little bits of life stories and I'm reminded of how very little I know about everyone I know. I mean, what's going on, what's happened, who's doing what now, what's upcoming. I don't really know a lot and, really, it's all due to the way I do things.
I've this weird sense of...I'm not sure, guilt? I feel like I've let everyone down. Everyone. My family, my boyfriend, my best friend, my ex co-workers, my friends. I'm not really too concerned over anything I do when it affects me. But the problem is I don't allow myself any room to breathe and see that none of these people think I've let them down, nor are they asking ME to fix all of it, or even none of it. Some of them have said so to me, and it isn't nearly enough to dissuade me from cowering in a corner in futile attempt in willing everything okay.
Yesterday, my folks are talking about going to Morelia for a few weeks and my niece, of all people, tells me her family's off to Las Vegas in a couple of weeks (her mom's brothers live there), and the first thought to cross my brain isn't at all productive. After talking with Ricardo for a couple hours I'm left thinking, why shouldn't they? All practical questions aside (frankly, I'm concerned where all this money for all of this is coming/going to come from), of course just because things aren't going well for me and mine doesn't mean they (and me) need to let their lives come to a stop. Easy answer. Why can't I do that?
I feel like everyone in my life is depending on me to make everything better. They're not, but it's the only way I can describe how it feels. And if I don't do it, if more time passes and more things continue to pile up (my fucking car didn't start this afternoon!), it's going to be more difficult to fix...life (?).
Ricardo asked me earlier, if I was back in January, around the time I'd said to him I was offered the opportunity to transfer to Santa Barbara, what would I've done then. Then, early January, I was all set, I really was. At the time, I couldn't imagine a single thing to stop me, you know. Hindsight's such trash. But is that what I want to go back to, would that make everything better? The real answer is who the fuck cares.
I found out today one of my friends' grandparents recently passed away. And I was too self-involved in either my own little pettiness or my drama to not even know and be present.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
