Obstacle 1

We had a conversation the other day (yesterday? my memory is absolutely terrible), Corey and I, wherein I said that everything is on the table. Everything. We were talking about the future, you see. Maybe our future, maybe not - he's much smarter than I am, and often he makes sure I'm following his train of thoughts and sometimes it goes over my head - but the future. And as clumsily as always, I realized two things, long after the actual conversation had taken place. It doesn't discount the validity of either realization, but sometimes I wish my brain didn't have so many holes.

The first is the most obvious one. Not everyone thinks the way I do. My father has been telling me this for years and I've often, with reason or not, just brushed him aside and thought he was just being an angry old man, obtuse, set in his ways, and unable to understand. Corey's been telling me over the last year or so that everyone thinks a certain way...except me. Over our Valentine's Day weekend, we were walking along somewhere in San Diego, and I don't recall exactly what the conversation was, but at one point Corey said I seem to not choose to participate in what seems to be the norm for people our age, or just people in general. After a few hours, I think while we were having sushi (an underwhelming adult experience for me, which I don't understand, especially after having had eel (gross!!) for the first), I said to him that I liked what he said, that I choose not to participate. Because I don't.

Funny thing about me is I go under the assumption that whenever I'm talking and sharing with anyone, from my family and boyfriend, to strangers and co-workers, everyone knows what I mean when I say things I believe about marriage and music and family and films and books and politics. Because what I believe is the right thing, you see. It's everyone else who just doesn't get it. And for thirty-three years, having this assumption, well, can I just say I am wrong? And what really set this off like a neon sign in a quiet suburban street was when Corey and I were talking about the future, a hypothetical future, sure, but I was getting frustrated with the way the conversation was going because I couldn't understand why Corey didn't get what I was saying...until we were in the car and I realized that, despite whatever the topic is, I believe whoever I'm talking should automatically understand what I'm saying because I think...I don't really know why. Look at my arrogance.

The frustration Corey and my father and others probably feel/felt is completely justified and my own is regrettably not. Which means that I'm more close-minded than I think I am. Because I often don't let other people's sentiments and ideas and beliefs and traditions to come over and play with mine because I feel mine are right and just and theirs are not. How fucking insane is that of me!? And after having this little "ah-ha!" moment, I wondered why anyone talks to me (which I say often to these lovely people in my life, but I think I finally get what I mean to say).

The second thing I came to realize is that as far as the future is concerned, EVERYTHING is up for grabs!

Okay, so I just spent a page telling you how close-minded I am, yes? Well, this is the part where I tell you that I believe in the future and in the future everything is fair game: family and love and marriage and divorce and money and travel, etc. Because who I am now isn't who I was five, ten, seventeen years ago; who I am now isn't who I'll be tomorrow, nevermind the years from now. And because of this, as Corey and I were in the middle of the aforementioned conversation, I realized that every option for us is on the table. As it should be.

We were talking about us, of course we were. And when I say that the possibility of being together with the one you love for the rest of your life without it being marriage, that's valid. Just as it's valid that somewhere along the road I want to get married is also valid. One does not negate the other; both possibilities can coexist in the future. Because, you see, for me to say 'never' about everything is pretty much selfish and arrogant (there's that word again!) and plain stupid, I think. Conversely, I think when it comes to people, we should continuously remain open to every possibility. Because of all that stuff they teach you about the road less traveled, sure, but also because even when you go down a well-traveled path, it doesn't mean that you're not going to find interesting stops along the way...as long as you're willing to stop.

Reading this as I type it sounds pretty dumb because it tastes like everyone would tell me, "Duh! Javier, everyone knows this already!" if they were to hear me say so. Thing is, probably this is true, but I tell you what, me, realizing things about myself happens so infrequently, when it does happen, it's outstanding. Because I definitely don't want to be the main obstacle in my life.

Anyway: TO THE FUTURE!!!