Double Up

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my winter appointment. While there, I got a chance to talk to him and to his wife, Susan, about how long it's been since I started seeing them. I made a comment how it really hasn't seemed like nearly three years. Susan asked me if I remembered how timid and scared I was the very first time I walked through their office doors and I smiled and said I did remember. Because I do. Of course I do. I'll probably remember it forever.

I first found out I am HIV positive on Friday, September 28, 2007. I'm not going to go into all that diatribe again. If you're so inclined, this is where all that can be found. Anyway: back then, I was a mess. Corey and I were talking recently about it, briefly, and he said how much of a turnaround I seem to have had since the original diagnosis and now. He's right.

Look, I can only say that the first year after finding out I was positive was very difficult for me. And, as I look back, I see someone who isn't who I am now. Which is the only possible outcome as far as I'm concerned. As Corey and I were talking then, I remember saying how very much I would kick myself in the ass if I could; if I could go back in time and talk to 2007 me, I would totally have to tell him to stop with the histrionics and foolishness. But that's for an imaginary life. Now, as things turned out, my numbers are the highest/lowest they've been since I first started seeing my doctor. Way back when, my T-Cell count was 333, and my viral load was over 49000. Yesterday, T-Cells were at 712 and viral load was less than 75. All of which is infinitely good for me. My doctor says the same thing every single time I see him: he says he doesn't see why I keep going to visit him, he says I'm always damn healthy, my blood tests always show that everything is working properly and nothing else indicates anything else. Since I started seeing him, I decided to keep track of my doctor's visits (which has morphed a little into my adventures with general and specialized medicine).

There are some days when I'm fully aware of the virus. And sometimes it gets me down a bit, I'll admit. Usually, it happens when I've forgotten to take my meds or when I need to refill them. It's happened recently, early this winter, as the entire family seemed to be struck with a vicious cold one at a time, and my niece was kept at home so as to not be around me. My older brother's said that there have been times when if Emma, my niece, is sick, he'd rather not expose me to all the little terrors she picks up from the monsters at her school. My father's said I should get the swine flu shot because I am already sick. You know, things like these. Which, as I've said before, makes me feel a little down because everything seems to be a little emergency now.

Still, it seems more like a nuisance than anything else. You know, like getting up and going to work in the damn early predawn hours: you do it because you must, there's no point in crying about it.

I don't know, after leaving the doctor's yesterday, of course everything was made of chocolate and whipped cream! And I think a lot about what could have been, probably more than it's healthy to. But at the same time, I think about myself and how, to Corey's point, there's been such a change, which has been totally unconscious. Used to be I was very good in the middle of a bad situation and it was long-term that I wasn't very good at. Who'd guess things might change? Certainly, not me.

(For your information: here, and here.)

Obstacle 1

We had a conversation the other day (yesterday? my memory is absolutely terrible), Corey and I, wherein I said that everything is on the table. Everything. We were talking about the future, you see. Maybe our future, maybe not - he's much smarter than I am, and often he makes sure I'm following his train of thoughts and sometimes it goes over my head - but the future. And as clumsily as always, I realized two things, long after the actual conversation had taken place. It doesn't discount the validity of either realization, but sometimes I wish my brain didn't have so many holes.

The first is the most obvious one. Not everyone thinks the way I do. My father has been telling me this for years and I've often, with reason or not, just brushed him aside and thought he was just being an angry old man, obtuse, set in his ways, and unable to understand. Corey's been telling me over the last year or so that everyone thinks a certain way...except me. Over our Valentine's Day weekend, we were walking along somewhere in San Diego, and I don't recall exactly what the conversation was, but at one point Corey said I seem to not choose to participate in what seems to be the norm for people our age, or just people in general. After a few hours, I think while we were having sushi (an underwhelming adult experience for me, which I don't understand, especially after having had eel (gross!!) for the first), I said to him that I liked what he said, that I choose not to participate. Because I don't.

Funny thing about me is I go under the assumption that whenever I'm talking and sharing with anyone, from my family and boyfriend, to strangers and co-workers, everyone knows what I mean when I say things I believe about marriage and music and family and films and books and politics. Because what I believe is the right thing, you see. It's everyone else who just doesn't get it. And for thirty-three years, having this assumption, well, can I just say I am wrong? And what really set this off like a neon sign in a quiet suburban street was when Corey and I were talking about the future, a hypothetical future, sure, but I was getting frustrated with the way the conversation was going because I couldn't understand why Corey didn't get what I was saying...until we were in the car and I realized that, despite whatever the topic is, I believe whoever I'm talking should automatically understand what I'm saying because I think...I don't really know why. Look at my arrogance.

The frustration Corey and my father and others probably feel/felt is completely justified and my own is regrettably not. Which means that I'm more close-minded than I think I am. Because I often don't let other people's sentiments and ideas and beliefs and traditions to come over and play with mine because I feel mine are right and just and theirs are not. How fucking insane is that of me!? And after having this little "ah-ha!" moment, I wondered why anyone talks to me (which I say often to these lovely people in my life, but I think I finally get what I mean to say).

The second thing I came to realize is that as far as the future is concerned, EVERYTHING is up for grabs!

Okay, so I just spent a page telling you how close-minded I am, yes? Well, this is the part where I tell you that I believe in the future and in the future everything is fair game: family and love and marriage and divorce and money and travel, etc. Because who I am now isn't who I was five, ten, seventeen years ago; who I am now isn't who I'll be tomorrow, nevermind the years from now. And because of this, as Corey and I were in the middle of the aforementioned conversation, I realized that every option for us is on the table. As it should be.

We were talking about us, of course we were. And when I say that the possibility of being together with the one you love for the rest of your life without it being marriage, that's valid. Just as it's valid that somewhere along the road I want to get married is also valid. One does not negate the other; both possibilities can coexist in the future. Because, you see, for me to say 'never' about everything is pretty much selfish and arrogant (there's that word again!) and plain stupid, I think. Conversely, I think when it comes to people, we should continuously remain open to every possibility. Because of all that stuff they teach you about the road less traveled, sure, but also because even when you go down a well-traveled path, it doesn't mean that you're not going to find interesting stops along the way...as long as you're willing to stop.

Reading this as I type it sounds pretty dumb because it tastes like everyone would tell me, "Duh! Javier, everyone knows this already!" if they were to hear me say so. Thing is, probably this is true, but I tell you what, me, realizing things about myself happens so infrequently, when it does happen, it's outstanding. Because I definitely don't want to be the main obstacle in my life.

Anyway: TO THE FUTURE!!!

Cute Monster

I would totally let him eat me.

We Laugh

What's been happening isn't anything that's too surprising...for me.

And what's been happening is also one of the most beautiful adventures of my thirty-three years.

My lack of a life plan never included anything like what Corey brings to my life. And that IS surprising. What isn't is that I click so well with him. That he gets me and if he doesn't he tries to (people just don't try anymore, do they?). And he's funny and insanely smart and beautiful and such a nerd and such a lovely human. I say a lot how lucky I am to have him in my life, and I know I am. It isn't often if ever that anyone out in the world who isn't family, with one exception, astonishes me as much as he does. This is no hyperbole.

So, this man in the photo with me (which he took), the one I'm laughing with (were we laughing at the idea of taking pictures? waking up in the hotel after little sleep and lots of nakedness?), is he the one I've been waiting for only I didn't know it? I don't know...

...but I definitely want to find out.